so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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