I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
