1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
