My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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