it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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