I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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