Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
