Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
