when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
he had hair everywhere except his balls
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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