I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
