who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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