i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
