We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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