What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
