Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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