first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
