I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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