stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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