The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize