screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
