Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
