Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
All the doctor said was why
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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