I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
