U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Welp...herpes.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
