i don't like sucking hair
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
