I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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