I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
