Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
