She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
