Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
