Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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