your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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