she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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