i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
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