If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
