oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
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It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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