I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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