Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
