Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
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Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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