do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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