Umm I'm too high to move.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
