that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
