From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
