I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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