I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
