Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
