I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
