god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
