Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
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He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.