sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
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Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
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she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"