Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
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Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
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dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb