good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dating After Heartbreak
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.