I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
