I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
