my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
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just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
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Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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