Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
