he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
