I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
